two nights...

two nights now, until the c-section. i'm really really nervous. it's not easy enduring an operation while conscious. i'm worried about whether everything will go smoothly, if both j & m will be allowed in the operating room, if i'll have the shakes for an hour afterward like last time, if nursing will hurt as much as before. i'm excited to meet this little girl, who has been my constant companion for 9 or so months, but this is major surgery, and i don't enter into it lightly. our lives are going to change so much. i'm not ready for it, but i don't have a choice.

and z is really sick. he woke up with a fever this morning and a croupy cough, which meant he had to stay home from school. i did not anticipate this, and was really counting on having these next two mornings to myself to prepare myself mentally. sigh. such is motherhood. i took him to see his pediatrician just to be sure it was just croup, because he's had a cold for 13 days, and the last time he had croup it became pneumonia.

i'm SO upset because he most likely won't be allowed to come and see me and meet his baby sister in the hospital if he has any kind of cough. i guess we can skype, but it's not the same as getting a hug from my little pumpkin. his fever got worse after he napped this afternoon, so i'll be keeping him home from school again tomorrow. i can't imagine he'd be absolutely recovered by wednesday. i am still dealing with the residual bits of my cold, and wonder if i'll have to wear a mask or something around the baby. this has been 3 weekends, now, where i've been feeling under the weather. i have the worst immune system ever - it's so frustrating!