mommyhood eve

this is what i looked like this time exactly one year ago. the day before my baby was born. i experienced all sorts of emotions that day. lots of excitement, but lots of fear. on one hand, it was relieving to know exactly when i was going to become a mommy - no water breaking out in public, no going into labor at an inopportune time, no long drawn out labor - a quick under-an-hour procedure. however, it was also stressful - how much would a c-section hurt? what would the recovery be like? would the incision break open later? would i be able to manage lying on my back for the whole operation (when i was unable to lie on my back pregnant for more than 4 seconds)? would i throw up & choke during the procedure? what if z turned out to be 7 pounds, making the whole operation unnecessary? would the spinal block go smoothly? would i bleed to death?

how could i possibly make the most of the Last Free Day Of My Life? i spent some time crying, mourning the end of my single life, releasing my fears of the procedure & becoming a mommy. i saw a movie (really bad) by myself, to keep myself distracted. i spent time imagining what it would be like to hold my son, to nurse him, to hear his cries.... it seemed so bizarre that one minute i was just a pregnant woman, and 40 min later i'd be a mother. boom- just like that, a mommy! that night i had a lot of anger that i was the one who had to get pregnant & go through with the c-section. why couldn't j do that? why me? why did my body have to get wrecked from expanding so far (really really far in z's case), getting a nice red scar & wrinkled skin where my flat belly used to be, while his gets to remain exactly the same? some women really love being pregnant, love feeling the baby kick, love the full baby belly feeling. that wasn't me. baby growing really really hurt. i liked the concept, but in reality, it was super painful. i've let go of most of that anger. z is such a special little person, and we love him so much! i'm so happy and fortunate to be able to experience parenthood.